


Proxemics

by penguinparity



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Aliens Make Them Do It, Fake Marriage, Friendship, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-30
Updated: 2009-06-30
Packaged: 2017-10-08 02:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/71596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penguinparity/pseuds/penguinparity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Bones had known he was signing up for this shit, he'd have demanded a galactic restraining order, an extra seminar in rare STDs and more scotch, but possibly not in that order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Proxemics

**Author's Note:**

> Written originally for the st_xi_kink prompt: "The 5 times Bones and Kirk accidentally got married and the one time they did it on purpose." Oh, space Vegas and conniving aliens. Cleaned up and edited, with some additions since I originally posted this on the kink meme.

_“Like gravity, the influence of two bodies on each other” – Edward T. Hall_

  
1:

The first time it’s a cultural misunderstanding.  They arrive at Bolarus IX as part of a diplomatic escort to drop off the retiring Bolarian ambassador.  James Kirk has been grumbling for most of the journey about having his ship being used as a glorified taxi service.  He is only slightly assuaged from his annoyance when the Bolarians insist on hosting a large festive dinner that involves copious amounts of their well-known wine.

Kirk is well into his third or possibly seventh glass when Spock subtly suggests to McCoy that their Captain looks a little feverish.  Which Leonard supposes is his XO’s way of trying to say he thinks their Captain is a hair’s shy or hair’s past messy drunk and about to cause yet another interplanetary incident.  Not wanting to alarm the Bolarians by pulling out his medical tricorder, McCoy wraps his hand around James’ neck and leans forward slightly.  His mother used to do this when they were poor and he was sick, checking his temperature by putting her forehead to his.  He can feel the warm flush of intoxication in Jim’s neck and from the flush in his face, knows all too well just how drunk his friend probably his.  But Leonard is suddenly distracted when the entire hall hushes for a split second before bursting into uproarious applause and cheering.

“Your face has gone fuzzy, Bones,” Kirk says, his words barely slurring. McCoy thinks distractedly that Jim’s blue eyes are nothing like his ex-wife’s and stops that thought right then before it can go any further because he doesn’t want to think about why he might be comparing the two.

“I do not believe that is the source of the current applause, Captain,” Spock inserts calmly before addressing the other man, “I would advise in avoiding in further physical contact, Dr. McCoy.  I believe you may have just initiated the Bolarian courtship ritual for marriage with the Captain.”

“Of course they’re not clapping fo- wait _what?_”

  
2:  
The second time it’s a translation problem.  McCoy is standing next to Kirk when the away team beams down to the planet, threatening yet again to find even more vaccines to inoculate the Captain with if he doesn’t behave.

“Bones, I’m really beginning to wonder about your apparent joy for sticking me with needles.  No, check that, I’m beginning to question your professional ethics,” Kirk says with a grin and slings an arm around McCoy’s shoulders as they step off the teleportation pad.

“I question them every day, man.  But mostly I’m just trying to recall if Chlamydia can be spread by touch, because the cure I injected you with a couple days ago shouldn’t be fully in effect yet.”  McCoy turns his head to give a pointed look to the arm draped around him.

“Hey!” Kirk protests with a laugh and most definitely not removing his arm. “Didn’t Chlamydia become extinct over 200 years ago?”

“Theoretically,” McCoy concedes, “but with you, Jim, anything is possible.”

“Do you normally keep vaccines for extinct STDs around? Or is this just for me?”  McCoy doesn’t really want to answer that particular question. He has noticed some subtle changes in Kirk’s behavior in the month since the incident on Bolarus IX.  Kirk has definitely made a point of being much more expressive about his various sexual exploits.  To the point that McCoy has started to wonder if he’s going to need to start his own research lab on the side to start producing vaccinations for the sheer breadth of things and people Kirks seems to be coming into contact with.

So instead Bones clears his throat and steps away, nodding his head towards the waiting Akarian Chancellor.  James claps his hands together and grins as he steps forward.

“It is a pleasure to see you again, Chancellor,” Kirk begins.

“Of course, Captain.  Congratulations on your recent engagement,” the Chancellor says with a smile.  Kirk looks nonplussed for a moment before smiling with an expression that never quite reaches his eyes.

“Thank you.  I’m quite enjoying being the Captain of the Enterprise, it is a magnificent ship.”

The Chancellor smiles before continuing her introductions. At the end, she presents both Kirk and McCoy with boxes wrapped in some kind of fragrant cloth.  The members of the away team are lead to their quarters to prepare for the evenings festivities and negotiations.  The Akarians prefer to mix their business with pleasure, which Kirk thinks is a most admirable cultural trait.  That is until Kirk and McCoy find themselves in their quarters, together; still holding the gifts from the Chancellor.

“The negotiations will begin in a few hours, Captain.  We arranged this suite in honor of your recent engagement,” the Chancellor says as her aids close the doors.  “Also, congratulations on your appointment to the Enterprise.”  Both men stare at the closed door for a second in total silence.

“Tell me this planet doesn’t get hitched by throwing their arms around each other,” McCoy says dryly.  “Because if this is the second time this has happened, I’m filing a galactic restraining order against you.”

“No, they had gifts waiting for us,” Kirk says distractedly.  He’s on the communicator with the Enterprise before he bothers to explain.  Uhura claims repeatedly it was an honest mistake, but James T. Kirk is the King of Bullshiting His Way Out of Stupid Things He Thought Were Smart At the Time and is onto her.  He might not be fluent in Akarian and his interest in xenolinguistics had more to do with the leverage being the treasurer of the club got him, but he’s pretty damn sure that “recently promoted to Captain” and “recently married Captain” are not very similar phrases in _any_ language.

  
3:  
The third time is the result of some very questionable alien architecture.  Hawkins had briefed them about the Sydorians and their near obsession with doorways and arches.  They were to avoid any glowing doors.  They were to avoid walking through arches together.  They were to emphatically avoid walking through glowing arches together.  McCoy is very careful to follow these instructions, even if Kirk is not.  Instead, he seems intent on making as many jokes about finding closets on the other side of doorways as possible.  McCoy has noticed that since the Akarian incident, Kirk has stopped all forms of casual touching when it involves him on away missions.  On the one hand he’s relieved because less accidental marriages are always a good thing.  Measured looks and a level of guarded behavior have replaced the touching and McCoy is not sure he likes that either.  He _misses_ the touching, although this is not something he will admit – even to himself – except when he is nearing the bottom of a bottle of scotch.

There’s a near miss the second day on their way to the trade negotiations when McCoy and Kirk are walking down a hallway.  Deeply engrossed in their argument over the questionable necessity of having a resident psychiatrist appointed to the ship, they nearly walk into the meeting hall together.

“Captain – Jim, I’m a medical doctor, not a bloody shrink,” McCoy says with exasperation.  “I can do the psych evals for the crew until we get a permanent appointment, but it’s not my damn job to hold everybody’s hand and tell them to talk about their Daddy issues!”

“And here I thought you liked hearing about my Daddy issues,” Kirk says with a grin before leaning over and continuing conspiratorially, “and don’t lie to me, I know you love holding my hand or you wouldn’t have married me twice now.”

“I thought we agreed you were never going to mention that, ever again,” McCoy says with a glare that lacks any real heat.  He stops abruptly and Kirk is partway through the doorway when he turns.

  
“Afraid of accidentally getting married to me again, Bones?”

“If I’m going to suffer through the bondage of marriage again, it’s going to be because I’m so drunk I don’t remember it.  Not because I was stupid enough to walk through a door at the same time as my idiot Captain on a cretinous planet that thinks arches and doorways are the Gods way of binding souls together,” McCoy says with a roll of his eyes and shoves Kirk through the door.  He tries to ignore the inscrutable look that Kirk shoots him before turning away.

The mission goes fairly well until they realize the General’s daughter is possibly selling military secrets to a rival faction.  Or having an affair with her father’s rival, they’re not quite sure.  It’s an easy enough matter to follow her the final night after dinner.  Even sneaking through the palace, McCoy is careful to make sure they avoid going through doorways at the same time.  Kirk gives him another look the second time McCoy pauses at a doorway so they don’t end up walking through it together but doesn’t say anything.  The woman slips through one of two arches at the end of a hallway and they can hear the sound of laughter through the doorways.

Motioning silently, Kirk points to the arches and they move to each one, respectively.  Slipping through the doorway, McCoy finds himself in another banquet hall where it seems most of the Sydorian court is already assembled.  There is a moment of gut wrenching silence as the entire delegation turns to stare at McCoy and Kirk.  A knot begins to cement in Leonard’s stomach as he notices the General’s daughter is standing with her father and supposedly secret lover a few feet in front of them.  He looks up at the archway he just walked through for confirmation – it’s glowing softly on this side.

“Oh hell, _not again_.”

  
4:  
The fourth time is because it turns out practice isn’t all that hypothetical.  After the Sydorian incident McCoy has started refusing to go on any away missions without being fully briefed on any and all bonding rituals of the planet.  Kirk is first amused, then slightly annoyed.  There’s some yelling in the CMO’s private office that culminates in Kirk storming out and refusing to talk to anyone for hours.  Apparently Leonard McCoy does not find it nearly as funny as the rest of the crew that they keep getting accidentally married.

Kirk proceeds to start avoiding McCoy except when required.  This is not exceptionally difficult as Nurse Chapel is going on away missions when a medical officer is required and the weekly senior officer meetings are large enough to avoid much direct interaction.  It does mean that McCoy is once again resorting to drinking alone, which hasn’t stopped him in the past and isn’t really stopping him now.  He thinks about Jim while he drinks: partly because they used to do this together at the academy, partly because he is more than a little confused.  He knows that Jim is angry because of how he reacted.  What he doesn’t exactly understand is why.  Which is also not exactly the truth, in his clearer – less sober – moments he knows why, he just doesn’t want to accept it.

McCoy is exceptionally good at accepting avoidance and compartmentalizing. Hell, the last two years of his marriage are a testament to that.  He also has a job to do and he’s exceptionally good at that too.  He doesn’t comment when Kirk conveniently schedules his physical while McCoy is off duty.  The results of the physical give him pause though and he immediately sends a message to the bridge for the Captain to come see him.  So when his second request for the Captain to come is ignored, McCoy decides to stop being polite.  He was never particularly good at being polite, either.  He finds Kirk alone on the officer’s deck, staring silently out at the stars.

“You seem to be having some trouble finding the medical bay recently, Jim?” McCoy asks by way of greeting.

“No, not particularly,” Kirk replies, a challenging tone at the edge of his voice.

“Good, because I don’t make house calls for pissy little Captains who are too cowardly to show up for medical consultations with their Chief Medical Officer,” McCoy says, knowing he’s picking a fight.  Kirk swings around, looking ready for a fight but stops at the expression he sees on his friend’s face.

“You’re dangerously close to insubordination, Dr. McCoy,” he says instead, voice cold.

“That’s rich, coming from you, _Captain_,” McCoy comments with a dry laugh.  He holds up the PADD he brought with him.

“Tell me, is there a reason you’ve been having me treat you for a variety of diseases – mostly odd STDs – for the past year, that you _don’t actually have_?”

“How you can possibly know that from a – what does it matter?” Kirk can’t seem to decide between denying it and playing defense.  Neither of which is particularly persuasive to McCoy.  Leonard thinks about it for a second, some of the recent patterns coming to into focus.  The increasingly odd symptoms and diseases Jim seemed to be encountering, combined with his cheerful propensity for describing his sexual conquests in far greater detail than he used to.  Not things one was likely to encounter in the course of a romantic rendezvous, unless you had already been inoculated for nearly every known STD and were needing to get creative.

“You know, taking treatments for weird space STDs that you haven’t actually contracted is a damned fool idea and more than likely bad for your health.  Sure as hell bad for your kidneys.” McCoy says.

“Yes, but then you wouldn’t have an excuse to stick me with needles, now would you?” Kirk replies a grin.  McCoy recognizes that grin, it’s bad news.  That grin is the small bit of bullshit that Kirk throws out when he feels cornered – used to cover for the even bigger pile of bullshit he doesn’t want you to find just around the corner.

“Jim –“

“Hey, I’ve got a reputation to maintain,” Kirk replies with an easy smile that never quite reaches his eyes.

“I’m well aware of your reputation, Jim, both earned and unearned,” McCoy says calmly, fighting the desire to rub his brow.  “You don’t need to pretend with me.”

“Who said I was doing it for you, Bones?” Kirk snaps in a tone of voice that tells McCoy he was _exactly_ the person Kirk was doing it for.  There are a lot of things topping the list of Things McCoy Wishes He Could Be Doing Rather Than Having This Conversation Right Now, like bashing his head against a wall, or seeing if he could finally manage to swallow an entire fifth of scotch at once.  Even eating ground glass is starting to look attractive at this point.

“Right, because I’m sure you were pulling this stunt to secure your reputation as a Casanova with the medbay scanner?” McCoy asks dryly.  What he doesn’t expect is to suddenly find Kirk inches away, up in his face and flushed with anger.

“What the hell do you want, Bones?  A damn confession?” Kirk demands.  “Yes, you’re right, I made some of them up!  I didn’t want to you notice that I’d stopped chasing nearly every piece of ass that caught my eye.  And since you’d been quite aggressive in making sure I was vaccinated against damn near everything when we got onto this ship, I had to get a little creative about what I might have encountered.”

“Jim,” McCoy starts but pauses because he knows they have come to the heart of the problem, “why did it matter if I noticed?”

“You made your views rather clear after the farce on Belarus IX last year,” Kirk says flatly, crossing his arms defensively.  Before McCoy can say anything Uhura interrupts them over the intercom, calling for the Captain with a message from Starfleet.  McCoy is left alone on the officer’s observation deck as Kirk leaves silently.

He stares out the window for a moment, wondering if it gave Jim any sense of calm because it sure as hell isn’t helping him.  This is the kind of situation that calls for scotch, possibly by the bottle.  Except this is, by definition, a no-win scenario and McCoy is pretty sure even two bottles of his better single malt whiskey wouldn’t fix this.  But if McCoy has learned nothing else in his years of friendship with James Kirk, it is that a Koybayashi Maru is rarely that.  One simply must learn to readjust the parameters of the situation and the parameters in this current predicament are clearly unacceptable.  He knows Kirk better than almost anyone else.  When he forces himself to think about it, it doesn’t really surprise McCoy that Kirk has reacted in such a way.  Perhaps some of the particulars, like making up STDs as a cover, yes.  But Kirk is as strong willed as anyone he knows and he finds it unsurprising that Kirk interpreted his rejection of their accidental marriage as a rejection of him personally and not of the situation or context.  Or that he has attempted to shut himself off, build emotional walls around himself in defense.  McCoy must simply find a way to show Kirk the two are not synonymous.

  
The Enterprise is called on an undisclosed mission near the neutral zone within the hour.  When they arrive they discover the ship is to play interstellar chapel to an unlikely couple: the Federation’s Romulan ambassador and her human, female companion.  The Federation has sent the Enterprise as a security measure for the wedding.  With the peace between the Romulan Empire and the Federation barely still in existence after the Nero incident, there is concern from both parties that holding the ceremony in a fixed location might make it a political target.  If Kirk had simply been avoiding McCoy before, he now has the skill down to a fine art because Bones doesn’t see the man once before the senior staff meeting the next morning.

They decide to hold a run-through of the ceremony the day before their guests beam on board to double check their security protocols.  Of course, a practice run of the ceremony requires stand-ins for participants.  Uhura jokingly suggests that McCoy and Kirk fill in the part of the two women, since they seem to be so routinely involved in accidental marriages.  McCoy doesn’t even have time to blink before Kirk tells her to kindly fuck off.

“Alright,” McCoy says before Kirk can lay into her.  That stops Jim short and he turns to stare in surprise.  “It’s just a rehearsal.  Everyone on this ship has a job to do.  If having me stand up there while you check the security measures means this damn thing runs smoothly tomorrow so that my medbay doesn’t have work to do tomorrow aside from a few cases of over indulgence of Romulan Ale, then that’s fine by me.”  He can see the annoyance – and slightest suggestion of hurt – flash in Kirk’s eyes at that, but he doesn’t know what to say in response.  How can he explain to his friend that this is somehow more okay because it isn’t real without hurting his friend?  Especially given how their last conversation on this issue ended.

  
When McCoy arrives on the recreation deck later, it has been transformed into a gaudy – albeit Romulan looking – affair.  He can’t help thinking for a moment they’ve become a floating Vegas chapel.  It reminds him a little too much of his own wedding, which actually was in Vegas.  Lieutenant Uhura is pointedly absent from the preparations and Lieutenant Hawkins looks decidedly unhappy to have inherited the responsibility for officiating the ceremony.

“If I hear any jokes about being the bride today, I have a hypospray of Andorian tranquilizer here ready to go,” McCoy says loudly and some of the muffled laughter dies immediately. 

“You do realize that an Andorian’s metabolism is much faster than a humans.  Such a tranquilizer is likely to put a normal human into a coma,” Nurse Chapel says with a tinge of horror in her voice.

“Well then, we best hope no one decides to mouth off,” McCoy replies cheerfully and the remaining snickering in the room comes to an abrupt halt.  He’s mildly surprised and more than a little pleased when Kirk shows up a few minutes later.  Kirk is talking to Uhura over the ship’s intercom, telling her to keep the channel open and notify him if she receives any communications from their guests.

“Of course, Sir,” Uhura says, “but I don’t see why Lieutenant Hawkins couldn’t –“

“Nyota,” Kirk snaps, “given your track record with me and anything even remotely rhyming with marriage, I don’t trust you anywhere near this rehearsal.  Knowing you, I could very well end up legally married by nearly every civilization known to the Federation.  Now do your job and just listen to make sure Hawkins officiates this correctly.”

“Yes, sir,” Uhura says, the pique in her voice quite clear.  Hawkins faintly protests again that he can barely tell the difference between Vulcan and Romulan but swallows the rest at the glare he gets from Kirk.  The security sweep works, they are fairly sure that none of the wedding party will be able to sneak in any kind of weapons.  Their detectors catch even Sulu’s collapsible sword.

It takes poor Hawkins three tries to start the ceremony, repeatedly stumbling over words and conjugation of particular Romulan verbs.  Uhura is particularly unhelpful, only stepping in when Hawkins finally asks for help on a passage over the intercom.  He finally manages to find his stride about half way through, getting the hang of the rhythm in the recitation.  They are nearly finished when Uhura finally speaks up over the intercom.

“Sir.”

“In a minute, Uhura.  We are almost done,” Kirk says dismissively.

“I’m aware of that, _Sir,_” Uhura says.  “That’s –“

“Not now, Lieutenant, I will discuss whatever it is in just a second!”

McCoy is positive he can hear Uhura mutter under her breath but she stays silent on the intercom for the rest of the rehearsal.

“Alright, Uhura, what was it?  A message from the Romulans?”  Kirk asks.

“No, sir.  It was about the nature of the rehearsal.” Uhura’s disembodied voice sounds resigned.

“What about it?” Kirk snaps.

“That wasn’t exactly…a rehearsal,” is all she says.  McCoy groans and sinks down onto the dais, head already in his hands.  Kirk shoots him another enigmatic look.

“Explain.  Now.”

“The only real requirement for a Romulan wedding ceremony is that the person officiating has to read the ritual,” Uhura says.  “In it’s entirety.”

“You didn’t feel this was important to mention before Hawkins finished reading the whole damn thing?”  McCoy asks, his voiced slightly muffed beneath his hands.

“She attempted to convey the relevant information to the Captain before the completion of the ceremony,” Spock’s disembodied voice interjects over the intercom. “Twice.”

“Of course the hobgoblin suddenly has something to say.  Let me ask you, is it bigamy if you’re marrying the same person over and over again?” McCoy wonders philosophically.  “Or is it just some special brand of hell specially made where I get to continually relive one of the worst mistakes of my life?” 

Kirk can’t hide the momentary hurt look that crosses his face before he turns away.  McCoy forces himself to continue so that Kirk might start to understand why he objects to the situation as much as he does.

“Except someone has replaced my ex-wife with my best-friend.”  He can hear the muffled laughter on the bridge.

“I had no idea that you still carried such a torch for her, Doctor,” Uhura says, her tone deceptively light.

  
“Did I mention she took most of Terra in the divorce?” McCoy says with a slight smile.

“You’ve mentioned it once or twice, Bones,” Kirk says with a faint smile as he lays a hand on his friend’s shoulder.  Then the smile is gone and his tone is all business as he turns his attention again, “Lieutenant Uhura, I will see you in my office.  Immediately.  Tell Commander Spock he is in command of the bridge.” 

McCoy nearly laughs out loud at that, knowing full well that was Kirk’s way of telling the both of them that Spock was going to be minding his own damn business for the next few minutes while the Captain had a talk with his Communications Officer.

  
5:  
The fifth time is not so much accidental as it is a slowly unfolding disaster.  Kirk has barely started to physically recover from a disastrous mission on one of Coridan’s moons that left him nearly dead.  Investigating rumors of trouble in one of the dilithium mines turned out not to be trouble so much as an out right coup d'état.  McCoy only begrudgingly clears Kirk for the mission to Andoria because it is supposed to be entirely diplomatic – with lots of sitting and resting, Kirk assures him – and because McCoy and Spock insist on going too.

They have been on the planet exactly 28 minutes when Kirk manages to mortally offend one of the Captains in the Imperial Guard.  Somehow suggesting the Andorian is weak willed and unable to fight.  McCoy is pretty sure it’s because Kirk can barely stand but is too damn stubborn to openly admit it.  Instead he attempts to deflect the need to sit onto another suitable target.  Unfortunately Captain Theval declared the issue a matter of Ushaan – the Andorian code of honor – that could only be settled in a battle to the death. 

Kirk, of course, immediately accepts.  McCoy frequently suspects that Kirk’s breathtaking instinct for tactical genius is outstripped solely by his godforsaken, pigheaded stupidity.

“If I may point out, sir?” Spock says.  Theval nods for Spock to continue.

“I believe the duel, while fairly claimed and accepted, must be postponed indefinitely at this time.”

“I’m perfectly healthy, Spock!”  Kirk says, looking outraged at even the suggestion that he isn’t fit enough to engage in a duel to the death.  Which McCoy thinks makes the Captain sound more than a little insane, as he is clearly not remotely healthy.

“I am not questioning your physical health, sir.  If a participant cannot fight in a matter of Ushaan, they can choose a second to fight in their place.  But this is not the relevant information I wish to point out.  According to Ushaan, if a participant is married but has yet to conceive an heir, a duel can be postponed indefinitely until either an heir is conceived or the marriage ends,” Spock says calmly, his voice betraying no emotion.  McCoy knows it is not his imagination though that he can see Spock’s eyes start to glance at him ever so slightly as he finishes speaking.  All eyes turn to Captain Kirk in the moment of silence that follows.

“You are married?” Captain Theval inquires.  McCoy recognizes the look on Kirk’s face, that Around The Corner Bullshit I Don’t Want You To Know About look.  McCoy quickly interjects before his Captain can deny the relationship; cementing Kirk into the duel or forcing one of his two officers to fight for him.

“Yes, Captain Theval,” McCoy says as he resolves to get very, _very_ drunk once this mission is over.  “He’s married to me.”

Theval blinks in apparent surprise, looking between the two of them for a moment.  McCoy takes a moment to pray fervently that the Andorian is not all that familiar with human reproductive systems.

“You will forgive me for expressing doubts, but you do not act like a bonded pair,” the Andorian Captain said cautiously.  “How long have you been wed?”

“Little over half a year,” Kirk says.

“About two months,” McCoy says.

“14 galactic months and 3 Terran days,” Spock says.

There is another silent pause and Theval looks even less convinced than he did before. McCoy and Kirk both briefly stare at Spock.  McCoy laughs nervously because he suddenly thinks the Andorians are never going to believe this crap.  Hell, he can hardly believe this crap and he was there.

“We’ve actually been married – a bit on accident – four different times,” he explains.  “First on Bolarus IX, although I maintain that more of a courtship ritual than an actual marriage ceremony.  Which, apparently, was 14 months and 3 days ago.  And Spock? That’s creepy as hell, just so you know.  I don’t care if your pointy goblin ears allow counting down to the second, but you should keep those kinds of details to yourself.

 “The second time was just a stupid mistranslation of Akarian.  The third, which was about six months ago, was when we walked through the bonding arches on Sydor.”

“You have seen the bonding arches of Sydor?  I have heard they are quite breathtaking,” Theval says, his skepticism momentarily forgotten.

“Indeed, indeed,” McCoy says, searching for a diplomatic way to describe his view of the arches.  “They were quite…surprising.  And they glowed.  A lot.”  He shifts uncomfortably, at a loss.

“And as Dr. McCoy’s date for the inception of the marriage has suggested, the final occasion was 2 galactic months and 6 Terran days ago,” Spock says when it becomes apparent that McCoy has been effectively derailed by the memory of the Sydorians and their glowing arches.  “Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy were legally bound in a Romulan ceremony onboard the U.S.S. Enterprise.”

“Bones is right, Spock,” Kirk finally says with a wide grin, “the fact that you remember the dates of these things down to the day is more than a little creepy.  If you weren’t my First Officer I’d be worried you might be stalking me.”

“That’s just your over-inflated ego, Jim.  No one would bother stalking you because you’re too slutty, you’d seduce them before they got a chance.  Spock is just a creepy hobgoblin,” Bones muttered under his breath.

“I do not understand, sir.  Would you find it less discomforting if I related the information in a non-standard unit of time?  Perhaps the Vulcan solar calendar?” Spock says with every appearance of sincerity, pointedly ignoring McCoy’s comment.

“So you see, Captain Theval,” Kirk says, turning back to the Andorian, “we are married.  Although there is some disagreement on when exactly our marriage started exactly.  But even so, this is largely irrelevant as I intend to-”

Before he can finish the sentence, McCoy has discretely jabbed the hypospray of sedative into the muscled flesh just above the back of Kirk’s elbow.  The effects start to show almost instantly, although he doesn’t pass out – one of the merits of injecting the tranquilizer into the muscle instead of a vein.

“My husband,” McCoy nearly chokes on the word.  “Needs to rest.  If we can continue this discussion a little later?”  Theval, mercifully, nods and motions for a servant to show them to an adjoining room.  Spock does not follow them immediately.  McCoy barely manages to get James onto the chaise before he does actually pass out.  The sedative is not that strong so Kirk will not be asleep for that long, but McCoy wasn’t going to take any chances with Kirk’s rather well established stupidity streak.  When Spock finally enters, McCoy does not like the feeling setting in his gut.

“We cannot leave until the Captain awakens,” Spock says, confirming McCoy’s fears.  “Theval is a very perceptive individual and suspects that he was about to reject the delay of the duel before he became conveniently incapacitated.”  Spock pauses to raise an eyebrow at McCoy.  Bones says nothing and adopts his most innocent look.

“He has insisted that we remain until the Captain either confirms his decision to delay the duel or decides to engage in combat.”

“I don’t suppose we could just secretly beam ourselves out of here? Diplomatic relations be damned?” McCoy speculated halfheartedly.

“That is not currently possible.  The Andorians take their honor code quite seriously and have activated a communication-jamming device.  I cannot even raise the Enterprise on my communicator,” Spock says evenly.

“So we’re going to have to convince Jim to delay the duel once he wakes up? Or try to talk him into letting one of us take his place?” McCoy asks sourly.

“I believe these are the only two logical options currently available, yes,” Spock replies carefully.  “Although I do not think I will be particularly persuasive on either question.”

“So you’re throwing me under the bus,” McCoy says with a glare.

“I do not understand your choice of language, Doctor.  I see no bus and I have no desire to throw you,” Spock says slowly, raising an eyebrow again.

“Never mind, Spock.  I’ll try to convince the bastard but damned if I think it’s going to work.”

“I estimate your chances of success at 13.6%, Dr. McCoy.  I will go outside to give you some privacy for your discussion,” Spock says.  McCoy is sure he isn’t imagining the slight twinkle he sees in the half-Vulcan’s eyes.

“Please let me know which option we are left with after your conversation,” Spock says when he reaches the door.  “If we are forced to engage in the duel, I estimate my chances of success against Theval to be approximately 97.3%.  Your chance of success is …considerably lower.”  With that Spock closes the door.

“I should hope so, you pointy eared bastard!  I’m a doctor for God’s sake, man.  My job is to heal people, not kill them!” McCoy shouts after him in annoyance.  Kirk stirs at the shouting and rolls over with a groan.  McCoy kicks the edge of the chaise in annoyance.

“Time to wake up, sleeping beauty,” he says blithely.  “We’ve got a marriage to fake so you don’t get your idiot ass killed.”

“Mmmpretty sure sedating your commanding office without his consent is insurrection,” Kirk slurs, cracking an eye on blearily.

“Yeah, well, you were asking for it.”  It takes another several minutes for Kirk to become fully alert again.  By the time he’s sitting up – and noticeably suppressing winces from his wounds – they’re already well into a full-blown argument.

“So let me get this straight, you freak out and get angry the first four times we get accidentally hitched and _I’m_ an asshole for being a little insulted by that.  But now suddenly you’re okay with pretending to be married because it’s a way of controlling some behavior of mine you don’t approve.  Did I get that right?”  Kirk demands angrily.

“Yeah, pretty much,” McCoy says calmly.

He can see it now clearer now; Jim is still operating under the rules and boundaries of the original problem they encountered on Bolarus IX.  He is still blaming himself for the failure of the situation.  Much like the first two times he took the Kobayashi Maru.  McCoy just wonders if he can jolt the man into a new frame of reference that allows for the possibility that this isn’t a no-win scenario.

“Because this is a new level of hypocrisy, even – _wait, what_?”  Kirk’s rant is derailed mid-sentence as McCoy’s calm admission sinks in. McCoy breathes for a second before he starts and the second of silence reminds him vividly of the fragments of stillness he encounters before the storm in the medbay when patients start pouring in after a battle.

“You’re not allowed to throw your life away fool heartedly, Jim.  You’re my friend, man.  My best friend, in fact.  And I will not let you throw your life away on a gamble simply because _you think you can’t win_,” McCoy says, trying desperately to contain the anger in his voice.  He can see the fight coming back into Kirk’s posture, so he tries a different tack.

“Why do you think I was upset after Bolarus IX?” McCoy asks.

“I think you made your reasons pretty clear,” Kirk says, his jaw clenching as he looks away.  McCoy steps forward, a little angry that Kirk so resolutely refuses to consider the possibility there is another answer.  He’s also more than a little angry with himself that it has taken him nearly _this long_ to come to grips with this alternative answer.  Kirk tenses even further and still refuses to turn his head when McCoy steps close enough to invade his personal space.

“Did the possibility ever occur to you that my frustration was not with the choice of partner, but with the institution of marriage itself?”  McCoy asks, crouching until he is at eye level with Kirk.  “My first marriage was a disaster of epic scale, Jim.  I have no desire to ever go through that again.  You are not the reason I did not approve of them.  I really just don’t want to get married again _to anyone_, the reminder is too bitter.” 

Kirk finally turns to look at him again, his blue eyes wide and startled.

“So you’re saying –“

“God’s man, you’re an idiot of an even more epic scale sometimes,” McCoy says with a faint smile.  He grabs Jim by the back of the neck drags him forward for a kiss.  It’s hot, a little angry and there’s an awful lot of tongue. Leonard thinks he must be nearly as big of an idiot for trying to convince himself he didn’t want exactly this for so long.  He starts to push forward, intending to push Jim down onto the bed when the other man grunts in obvious pain.

“Shit,” McCoy says, moving back immediately.

“Bones,” Kirk says kind of breathlessly, his eyes shining with a ‘come hither’ look despite how much pain he’s probably ignoring from his very recent injuries.  McCoy is torn between two conflicting thoughts.  Once again convinced that his captain is equal parts genius and idiot – even if the jury is leaning more towards idiot.  And the very strong temptation to succumb to that look and find out just how insanely brilliant Jim actually is.

“Ok,” McCoy says, rubbing his face again and willing Kirk to look less temping when he removes his hands.  It doesn’t work, if anything, Kirk looks even more wanton.

“First, you need to stop looking at me like that,” McCoy say, trying very desperately to approximate his normal level of annoyance.  “While I am definitely going to do all the things your look seems to invite, I am not going to do them while you have a 3 day old, barely healed phaser burn running down half your chest and part of your leg.  Because you bleeding out on this freakishly long chair as a result of us screwing around – while it might be effective in convincing Theval that we’re not faking a marriage – would be counterproductive to our larger goal.  Which is to get your idiot ass off this planet alive.  So cut that shit out until you can back it up with some real heat.”

The empty threat is enough to shock Kirk into startled laughter at McCoy’s bluntness.  Jim laughs in an open and honest way that Leonard hasn’t heard in over a year and the sound of it makes him _ache_ inside.  He smiles fondly and reaches up to run a hand down the side of Kirk’s grinning face. 

As they sit, McCoy explains Spock’s estimation of their options and likelihood of outcomes.  He can’t help but add that if Kirk insists on trying to duel, McCoy has more than enough tranquilizer left in his hypospray to keep Kirk incapacitated.  Not only is he more than willing to use it, he also has every intention of selling Kirk out to Uhura if Spock gets injured fighting as his second.  He has to threaten to use the hypospray again when Kirk’s hand starts snaking its way up his thigh, making hot and heavy for his crotch.  Kirk never was one for subtle, or following orders he didn’t agree with.  The hypospray suddenly pressing into his neck makes Kirk’s hand pause momentarily in its trajectory.

“Kinky, knew you had a fetish for sticking me,” Kirk practically breathes.

“You have exactly 3 seconds to get your hand off my leg, Jim.  You’re in no condition to ride this train and I’m more than willing to sedate you until you learn to keep your hands to yourself,” Bones says with just the edge of a hard grin.  Kirk clearly considers his options during the following three seconds then makes a show of slowly removing his hand.

“You could consider this payback for you being a bastard for the past year and making me suffer thinking you were revolted by the thought of me,” Kirk says with a grin that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.  McCoy knows he’s nowhere near done apologizing for that.  He wonders if Kirk will ever forgive him.  Kirk rubs his face tiredly.

“So it’s faking marital bliss with you or Spock fighting, because it’s just the three of us down here and you were useless in a bar fight back in the Academy.  And I do remember the last time Uhura was mad at me,” Kirk says finally.  McCoy can feel the tension uncoil in his chest because he can see that Kirk has reached a decision.  One that doesn’t seem to hurtle towards a no-win scenario or spiral inwards with self-blame.

“We ended up married that time too.  And the time before that one,” McCoy replies.  “I am beginning to see a disturbing trend of behavior here when she is mad at you and I don’t like it.”

“The first time Spock had apparently just tried to break up with her and I’d chastised her for being unfocused on shift.  The second time was because I was punishing her for the first time,” Kirk concedes.  “And the third time was because she was pissed I wouldn’t let her officiate the wedding.”

“I would have thought by now you would have learned not to piss that woman off, Jim.  She’s a force of nature,” McCoy says with a smile.

“I’ll do whatever I damn please. I’m her Captain!” Kirk retorts and it sounds sullen to both of them.

“And the shark is the king of the sea, but does he command the tides or the flow of ocean?” McCoy asks.  Kirk stares at him for a long, silent moment.

“You have been far too sober for way too long, Bones.  You’re getting all philosophical on me and that’s when I know everything is going to hell.”

“Damn straight, I’m glad someone else _finally_ agrees with me on this point,” McCoy says with a wide grin. 

“Let’s go get ridiculously drunk and make some very poor decisions.”

“If we’re both drunk, do I still have to keep my hands to myself?” Kirk asks with a sly grin.

As he helps his friend up, McCoy ignores the question and can’t resist throwing in one more barb, “I still want a divorce for that Romulan atrocity Hawkins caused, since apparently that was the only legally recognized marriage we managed to stumble into.”

“You realize if you divorce me, I’m coming right back here to fight Theval?” Kirk says with an easy grin, even if he is utterly serious.

“I was hoping you might not immediately notice that flaw in my plan,” McCoy replies.

When they exit the room, Kirk explains to Theval that he has decided to delay the duel.  Theval insists they stay for dinner, since Kirk is clearly in no condition to travel.  McCoy privately wonders what kind of individual would initiate a duel to the death with someone they had deemed unfit to travel, but chooses to keep these thoughts to himself.  Of course, perhaps it was also telling how frequently an Ushaan duel occurred, if there were exceptions for things like not having produced offspring yet.

After making sure Kirk makes it safely to their table, McCoy turns to Spock.

“Captain Theval has expressed his doubts about the veracity of your union with the Captain,” Spock says quietly.  “He has indicated his intention of insisting upon the duel if he is not satisfied by some kind of evidence of your…bond with each other.”  McCoy groans and rubs his face with both hands.  Sadly it doesn’t work as he hopes; the nightmare is still there.  He tries again.

“Please tell me this is some kind of joke, Spock,” he says finally when the world refuses to vanish behind his hands.

“I am afraid I do not have the capacity to find humor in this situation, Doctor,” Spock says simply with a raise of his infuriating eyebrow.

“Spock, I trust you will _never_ speak of these events or what is about to happen ever again.  If I hear even a rumor of anything that happens on this planet tonight from anyone on the Enterprise, you can consider those empath amplifiers that Nyota occasionally requisitions _permanently out of stock_,” McCoy says with perfect calm.

“Is that a threat, Doctor?” Spock asks.  McCoy is almost positive he sees the half-Vulcan’s damned eyebrow twitch for a split second.

“No, you green blooded bastard, it is simply a statement of fact.”

  
1:  
It is many years later when Jim finally suggests it.

“I think we should get married,” he says.

“Jim, according to at least 10 different plants now, the Romulan Empire and Federation Common Law; we already are,” McCoy says with a snort and stretches lazily into his pillow that smells faintly of them both.

“Yes, but those were all accidents or because we just kind of fell into them.  I mean let’s do it deliberately,” Kirk says as he smiles his best and most charming half smile.  “Marry me, Bones.”

“Did someone knock you over the head?  First off, I’m pretty sure the time on Denobula was deliberate on _your_ part, Jim.”  Whatever tirade McCoy is ready to unleash is cut short by Jim’s mouth as he kisses him before leaning back imperceptibly.

“I will _never_ take your planet.  I will _never_ take the ship.  Or even the universe from you, Leonard.  I can promise you that,” Jim says solemnly.

“I fucking hate you sometimes,” McCoy chokes out, throat closing up suddenly in an overwhelming flood of emotion.

“Is that a yes, Bones?” Kirk asks with a smile.

“If I’m getting hitched again, I demand a very large dowry.  And by dowry I mean a lot of booze as compensation for this.”

“Only if I don’t drink it first,” Jim grins.

“Like hell you will, man.  And if you even try, I’m divorcing you on the spot; you can go throw yourself at that idiot Adrosian to finish your damn duel.  I don’t remember my first wedding night, I don’t intend to start now.”


End file.
